Graduation

My chest is wrung, like the fabric of my pants being gripped by my wrenching hand.

I look up to the stage and people trail off and on, applause, silence, repeat.

By the end of this ceremony my childhood will be behind me. What then? No matter how tight you hold your fist, sand slips through all the same, and then you find you’re holding nothing. Everything, despite being right there, seems so far away. All because it will be. I’ve been leaning on others too long, and now that I’m going to have to find my own path i’m afraid that I’ll end up getting lost.

Shaking my head, I try to mix up my thoughts a little. The upside is after all this boring walk and talk I’ll get to see my brother. I haven’t seen him since he graduated himself. He’s always been the smarter one, and I wonder what he’d say now, really.

Well, I probably have a hunch.

“You’re smart, capable, everything! I think you could do literally anything in the whole world and always come first.”

I poke my brother’s arm accusingly, a pencil squeezed in my other hand. I almost want to shove him, but the anger doesn’t have time to reach my arms.

He huffed, “I’m not perfect Don… do you actually think that?” He sits up straighter, sliding an arm over to take the paper for a look. It’s difficult not to squint my eyes as I try to scrutinize what he’s thinking. He looks like he’s trying not to sigh, I can swear that much. I consider this and look back down again. Down at the grain pattern of the old wood table.

“You got all these questions right, are you sure you need help?” My stupor is broken slightly.

“Just… needed to make sure.”

“You’ve checked these three times yourself.” His tone was incredulous.

Please don’t be mad at me. My head hangs, “I know I have to learn how to help myself at some point, you don’t have to tell me.” I cover my face.

“I don’t want to grow up.”

My brother puts the math homework down, not quite looking at me yet.

“It is a lot to think about, huh?…”

…

“Feels like you’re never prepared enough.” He looked through the window on the other side of the room, seeing something I didn’t.

“Just… keep this in mind, okay?”

“You’re harder on yourself than anyone else.” He chuckled at me while pulling me in for a hug, and I wrapped my arms around him back, patting him with the hand that wasn’t holding the diploma. Maybe it wont be so bad, you know?